Meditations for Men Who Do Next to Nothing (and Would Like to Do Even Less) Read online

  Copyright

  Copyright © 1994 by N. K. Peske and B. J. Pennacchini

  All rights reserved.

  Warner Books, Inc.,

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

  First eBook Edition: November 2009

  ISBN: 978-0-446-56952-1

  Contents

  COPYRIGHT

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  STRESS/PRESSURE

  GETTING AHEAD/GOAL ORIENTATION

  DISHONESTY

  RESPONSIBILITIES/OPTIONS

  DISCOVERY/INFLEXIBILITY

  WIT/WISDOM

  SPONTANEITY

  ANGER

  AFFIRMATION/NEGATION

  PRESENTS

  FAILURE

  FELLOWSHIP/AFFECTION

  PRODUCTIVITY/CREATIVITY

  GRUDGES

  CIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

  IDENTITY

  HUMOR

  LIVING LIFE FULLY

  GOALS

  DECISION MAKING

  QUIET TIME

  WISDOM/KNOWLEDGE

  FAMILY

  HOPES AND DREAMS

  SELF-AWARENESS

  CURIOSITY/TAKING IT TO THE LIMIT

  BEING IN CHARGE

  INTEGRITY

  FEELING OVERWHELMED/DISAPPEARING

  REALITY/FANTASY

  SILENCE/INNER PEACE

  RESPONSIBILITY

  ANGER

  TRANQUILLITY

  FOCUS/CONCENTRATION/PRIORITIES

  EXPLORATION

  SELFLESSNESS

  THOUGHTS/OPINIONS

  INTEGRATION/SELFHOOD

  GROWTH

  HINDRANCE/COMPLETION

  COURAGE

  BEAUTY

  FINANCIAL SECURITY

  SERIOUSNESS/RESPONSIBILITY/PRIORITIES

  RISK TAKING

  IN TOUCH/AWARENESS/LIVING IN THE MOMENT

  REPENTANCE/WISDOM

  CONTROL/ATTITUDE

  EXPECTATIONS/FAILURES

  DESPAIR/HOPELESSNESS

  UNIQUENESS/FEELING SPECIAL

  MATURITY/SOPHISTICATION

  HOSTING/BUSYNESS

  BALANCE/RESPONSIBILITIES

  TRAVEL

  BEAUTY

  TRUTH

  SECRETS

  SATISFACTION

  MALE BONDING

  WONDER

  SELF-LOVE

  SELF-ESTEEM/SELF-ABUSE

  HELPLESSNESS

  INTIMACY/ISOLATION

  NEEDS/DESIRES

  FEAR

  EXPECTATIONS

  NATURE/MASCULINITY

  FREEDOM

  ACTION

  FOOLISH BEHAVIOR

  COMPETITION

  PROCESS

  PURPOSE/MEANING/FEELING NEEDED

  EMPTINESS

  DISAPPOINTMENT

  CONTENTMENT

  SUCCESS

  TRAVEL

  HIGHER POWER

  LONELINESS

  TOIL

  HOUSEWORK

  CHANGE

  POWER

  RELATIONSHIPS/COMMITMENTS

  CONFUSION

  COURTESY

  COMPARISON

  UNITY/ONENESS

  FEELINGS

  TRANSITION/STABILITY

  SECRETS

  WORK/RELATIONSHIPS

  ENTHUSIASM

  ATTITUDE/PERCEPTION

  LOVE/FORGIVENESS

  CARETAKING/PROVIDING

  IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT

  JOY

  LEARNING

  WHOLENESS/UNITY

  ESTEEM/COURAGE

  CONFLICT

  AGING/YOUTH

  BEAUTY/SELF-IMAGE

  RELATIONSHIPS

  JEALOUSY/LOST OPPORTUNITIES

  PERSONAL SPACE/GETTING AWAY

  GIVING CREDIT

  IDENTITY

  COURAGE

  SELF-ACCEPTANCE

  ALTERNATIVES/WORK

  CREATIVITY

  INSPIRATION

  INSTINCT/ANIMAL NATURE

  PANIC/FATIGUE

  ROMANCE

  HOLIDAYS

  BECOMING A MAN

  WOMEN

  LAUGHTER

  COMPROMISE/CONVICTIONS

  BACK AD

  To Nicky and Shiva,

  the masters of creative inertia

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to all who made this book possible:

  Mary Yost, Joann Davis, Grace Sullivan, Sona Vogel,

  and Tom Pennacchini.

  INTRODUCTION

  Choices. Decisions. Responsibilities. As modern men in today’s complex world, we face the stress of having to make a vast number of decisions every day, decisions that can have far-reaching, serious effects on our health and happiness, and how often we score with the babes—or, indeed, if we ever do. The sheer volume of choices to make and duties to perform can overwhelm us, especially when we’re preoccupied with the hooters on the new gal in Purchasing.

  On top of our responsibilities to job, home, and relationships, we can’t neglect ourselves. We are challenged to set personal boundaries, to take inventory of ourselves and review old patterns, to let go of the clutter left over from dysfunctional childhoods in our families of origin, to work through the pain, fear, and anger that cause us to be reactors rather than actors. Faced with difficult decisions, like picking point spreads for this weekend’s game, we may become paralyzed, dwelling on negative inner dialogues and distorted beliefs that have kept us from connecting in a nurturing, loving way to our inner child and the outer world. Which is a long way of saying our self-absorption is totally justified. Personally, I like to think of myself as a victim of a cold and mechanical society, which is just the kind of deep, introspective thought that impresses chicks at 12 Step meetings (if you haven’t discovered them yet, they’re a great place for hitting on babes).

  Speaking of women, I get exhausted watching the women in my life scurry around like mice, trying to juggle it all. They call themselves Women Who Do Too Much. And they call me a lazy SOB.

  Sadly, these gals haven’t learned the value of time-out, as we Men Who Do Next to Nothing have. Activity-addicted women try to make us feel guilty for not doing the dishes, participating in child rearing, or stirring from our prone position in front of the tube until the smell of supper hits our nostrils. They demand action. We demand our MTV.

  Face it, making choices and decisions is like hitting a pothole on the running track of life. How we handle these unplanned pockmarks in the course will determine the outcome of the race. Do we stumble in the hole? Do we avoid the obstacle in a looping, circuitous detour that costs us valuable time? Do we courageously leap over the hole and risk injury? Or do we stop midcourse, take stock of our situation, and realize that races are stupid: that competition and victory are hollow and what we really want to do is sit down, crack a frosty, turn on the tube, and watch some other loser run the race?

  Our course becomes clear when we have the courage to face ourselves, when we dare to be truth speakers. Decisions become easier to make. We accept that it is healthier to follow our nature and shirk responsibility whenever possible than to bow down to the demands of modern life. Of course we would rather golf than clean the garage, rather check out the comic book convention than get that report done for work, rather recreate for five days and work for two—it’s certainly more fun than the other way around! Without question, we prefer sitting down to standing up and enjoy lying down
best of all. We must listen to our inner voices, which are reflective of a Higher Power telling us to stop and smell the barbecue.

  What we need is validation on a daily basis. Hence, I decided to write Meditations for Men Who Do Next to Nothing, a book that would inspire us to fight the good fight, to remain true to ourselves and steadfast in the conviction that the elimination of all activity and decision making from our lives will grant us the serenity we seek.

  These meditations include affirmations that will replace those negative tapes in our heads that tell us to work harder, faster, more diligently. Each meditation begins with a quotation, follows with a brief discussion of a personal issue for the day, and concludes with a reminder to help us stay the course.

  I decided to use only quotations from men, not because women haven’t contributed immensely to our cultural dialogue, but because, oddly enough, I couldn’t find any quotations from women on the virtue of inactivity. I used a variety of quotations from men of different ages, cultures, eras, and philosophies. This gathering of men’s quotations has proved to me that some of the greatest men of history knew a great deal about doing next to nothing.

  This book of meditations was written to inspire men, but I hope that women will read it as well, particularly women who project their own patterns of frenzied workaholism onto their mates. I hope female readers will gain a new understanding of the peace that comes through procrastination and introduce a little inertia into their own hectic routines.

  If you do not respond to a particular meditation, bag it and switch on the tube. That’s probably what I did when I was writing it. After all, life is meant to be lived at a 180-degree angle.

  STRESS/PRESSURE

  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin. Yet even Solomon in all his splendor was not arrayed like one of these.

  Matthew 6:28–29

  We Men Who Do Next to Nothing can find the beginning of a new day a perplexing and difficult time. All around us people are making agendas, setting lunch dates, and writing “to do” lists. The pressure that the workaholics who inhabit our world exert upon us to join them in their frantic struggle—to get it right, to get up off the couch, to switch off the ball game and lose the beer gut, to spend more time with the family—can be overwhelming.

  At trying times like these, it is important to remember that we are fashioned in God’s image and perfect just as we are.

  Just for today, give me the willingness to do nothing at all.

  GETTING AHEAD/

  GOAL ORIENTATION

  Give me a roof over my head and something to drink, I’ve got all I need.

  Slash

  It is only the second day of the work week, but already we Men Who Do Next to Nothing are feeling the pressure to improve ourselves, to make today more productive than yesterday.

  Getting ahead is an exacting business that demands sacrifices like getting up in the morning, showering, and putting on a suit. Success requires that we put work before everything else in our lives … including football. It insists that we compete and compromise and put off our first beer until noon.

  It is time to stop and see what happens to us when we live a goal-oriented life. Are we the men we want to be or the wimps our wives wished they’d married?

  I wonder if I am the kind of guy I’d want to sit down and have a beer with?

  DISHONESTY

  Father, I cannot tell a lie …

  George Washington

  Dishonesty is a milepost on the road to self-deception. When we allow ourselves to give in to deception, we alienate ourselves and those close to us.

  Think about it. The last time you swore to your girlfriend that you were finally going to clean the leaves out of the gutters, and then you didn’t and the rain backed up and collapsed the ceiling over the cedar closet where her winter wardrobe is stored, what was the result? Negativity? Conflict? An erosion of intimacy?

  Although we are surrounded by a society where dishonesty runs rampant, we Men Who Do Next to Nothing must dare to be truth speakers. Be honest. Tell your wife you have no intention of cleaning the gutters or anything else … ever. We are the only ones who can choose truth over deception.

  There is an old saying, “What’s done is done,” so why make excuses?

  RESPONSIBILITIES/OPTIONS

  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

  James Howell

  We are counseled from the time we are children that work must come before play. Before we can watch cartoons or go to the movies, the chores have to be done. All sorts of cruel and inhuman restrictions are imposed in the name of responsibility. If we want that hot-fudge sundae, we must eat every last lima bean.

  We Men Who Do Next to Nothing have learned that work, once begun, is never finished and so is better never begun at all. We have learned how to break the intergenerational chain of the work ethic. We can decide to be different. We can have dessert before dinner. We can read the latest Playboy before The Wall Street Journal. We can let her bring home the bacon. We have choices.

  Let go, let God, let somebody else.

  DISCOVERY/INFLEXIBILITY

  He was a very valiant man who first adventured on eating of oysters.

  James I

  Crazy thinking involves the belief that things are better when they are in place, in order, and permanently fixed. So much energy is wasted trying to Super Glue life, but what is inflexible can break. When we become rigid, we lose touch with the rushing creek of life.

  Be flexible. Let things lie where they fall. Dirty socks don’t always have to go in a hamper. Dinner doesn’t always have to be eaten at a table. Where is it written that one must always sleep in a bed at night? What’s wrong with a desk top at noon? Why must we always work during the week and rest over the weekend? Why not vice versa?

  When we stop experimenting, stop looking, stop asking new questions, it is time to die.

  Am I dead, or alive at a 180-degree angle?

  WIT/WISDOM

  Take my wife … please!

  Henny Youngman

  Wit is a weapon against the onslaught of life. There is nothing like a chuckle to perk up our day, particularly when it is at someone else’s expense. Humor, like the miniskirt, is one of the few good reasons to get out of bed each morning.

  Sometimes, though, we lose the ability to find the fun in life. We cannot see the humor in ourselves or, more important, in others. If our mates complain that we don’t make a living, participate in parenting, or share the housework, and we feel that they are personally attacking us, putting us down, calling us heels, we must reassess our negative thinking.

  In moments of personal crisis, humor helps us cope, so try making a funny. Everybody loves a cut-up, and doesn’t she always say that your sense of humor is one of the reasons she married you?

  Today, I will laugh in the face of adversity, my wife, my boss, or anyone or anything that tries to crush my playful inner child.

  SPONTANEITY

  Many a man’s profanity has saved him from a nervous breakdown.

  Henry S. Haskins

  Have you ever noticed how much of your day is spent doing two things at once? We lead busy lives: we watch TV and eat dinner, we have sex and watch TV, we eat and breathe, we breathe and watch TV. We are so distracted by our many overlapping activities that we forget how to live in the moment. We forget to savor the simple pleasures that life provides us, inhaling, exhaling, bellowing at the tops of our lungs, or excreting extraneous intestinal gas. This is our human inheritance. Is it wrong to revel in it?

  We need to fully experience these simple moments, to feel the fullness of our life force. It is in these personal moments of self-expression that we are truly alive.

  Today, let me not only go with the flow, but celebrate it.

  ANGER

  I never work better than when I am inspired by anger.

  Martin Luther

  Anger is a hotbed of controversy for us Men Who Do Next to N
othing. Although we understand that anger is not only a healthy outlet but a great motivator, our mates take our anger personally and often react with a host of painful emotional blows that interrupt our peaceful enjoyment of life.

  Remember the last time your wife asked you to fix the washer on the kitchen sink and you pulled out your four-hundred-and-fifty-dollar faucet-washer repair kit, but all you managed to do was scratch the stainless steel and break your left index finger? And then you started screaming so loud that she grabbed the wrench out of your hand and in twenty seconds flat fixed the washer, but then refused to sleep with you for a week?

  What does this teach us? When our rage brims over the lip of our self-control at the petty annoyances of life, should we bottle it up? Should we seal ourselves off emotionally? Should we give up and call in a professional? No! Anger is our friend, and a wife is cheaper than a plumber.

  Anger is not the problem. My wife is.

  AFFIRMATION/NEGATION

  How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?

  Logan Pearsall Smith

  We Men Who Do Next to Nothing should give ourselves more credit. Although the world will tell us that our beer glass is perpetually half-empty, we must remind ourselves that it doesn’t much matter because there’s half a case left in the fridge.

  Workaholics who measure their lives in laundry lists of meaningless accomplishments cannot understand the perfect bliss of utter inactivity. Isn’t existing, in and of itself, an art? Isn’t regressing to a vegetative state, in fact, a perfect union of man and nature? What does your lawn accomplish each day? It looks happy, doesn’t it? No one tells turf to get a job. And it costs a lot of money to maintain.